I was having a really terrible morning. I lost it.

Our yaya (nanny/housekeeper) was really getting to my nerves. She has an attitude that she only shows when I'm the only one around. To everybody else, she's the happy, dependable person you can easily be fond of.

Don't get me wrong. I can be really fond of her. I help her cook, praise her cooking always, watch TV with her, confide in her...heck, I even gave her a foot spa once. I wanted to treat her the way I would treat a friend or a sister. I never order her around. As much as possible, I do what I can instead of giving orders. And when I do, it's only when I'm unable and I always always say please.

I'd like to believe that I am the nicest person around her. I treat her very very well. Which is why it puzzles me that she's really obedient and never complains to anyone else but me. She does what she's told and even has the initiative to do what she's not asked to do. That's how she is to everyone but me.

I've seen her tantrums. I've heard her complain endlessly. I've seen her lock her door and not utter a word to me. I've observed a lot of days when she would not take Mikey because she's tired and all - resulting to my missing my workout. These happened countless times. And I never ever told her off. I always gave her the space she needed.

My mom, who recently visited, said I've been too kind. And that is what I've done wrong. And that is the reason why she treats me differently. But what should I do? I'm not exactly her boss. That's why I don't act like one. I know my place and I always treat people with respect. I don't assert myself beyond my rightful position.

But today, oh today, I was really fed up. There's no need to write what exactly happened. I was so angry at her. And kept cursing her in my mind. I was trembling and close to tears in anger. But hey, I was still nice enough to just keep it inside me, lock myself in the room and let Glenn deal with it later.

But my friends, the horror I'm capable of. I knew I was able to control myself and keep it inside. But I cannot erase the fact that I was too unimaginably angry that my head still hurts from all the bad thoughts I was thinking.

And I felt bad because though I did not do her wrong, I know I still sinned in my mind. And when you do realize you've entertained really bad thoughts, they linger longer than you want them, too.

I'm okay now. Good things have already happened to me today so I finally have the strength to get over it. I talk to her now like nothing happened. I treat her like I've always done and without her knowing how I felt this morning.

But my head is still throbbing and I'm still a bit weak in the knees. Anger has too much energy, too much power, that it always leaves me limp and reeling.